Winter

11 min readJun 3, 2022

On my 22nd birthday, I threw a party at a Pizzeria, and then we continued the party at the neighboring bar. It was the best birthday party I ever had, and when digesting the night later on, I pondered the question of what would happen if I were to be betrayed by the people I love so much. They’d given me no reason to believe I’d be betrayed, but my brain has always convinced me that I needed an exit plan. My birthday is in the last two weeks of autumn before the snow is supposed to fall. Then Winter comes, along with the early nightfall, and everything seems to fall exactly into place and freeze for a moment. But those moments have their upsides, and I always get nostalgic when the weather dips below 32 degrees. And thus came forth this album, Winter, an album about good memories and good people and my desire to hold onto everything while also being afraid that they will eventually evade my touch. But even if they do, at least they were once mine to keep, so that means something to me.

“North Woods”

I’ve never felt quite right sitting still
Constant motion being the only good option
Redecorating to cleanse the air
But no amount of innovation
Will remove the need for validation

So I moved to the city for the thrill of it all
And I vacationed in the woods for the still of it all
Home state became a battleground
But I’ll call the North Woods a part of Canada
To separate its beauty from the beast below it

Then it’s just me and the trees
High up in the north woods
Three whole days I had nothing to say
No words spilled onto blank pages
When I feel good I don’t know how to explain it

So I try to write a happy song
It just comes out wrong
I try to write a good thing
It comes out like a swan song
Or a beginners attempt to sing
Ink drying up when my misery stops
Ink drying up when my misery stops

They say the greatest writers die alone
Well then, pray that my misfortune
Will lead to a lovely book of poems to atone
Is this what it is to be alive?
Driving through the plains up to the woods
Stuck in my ways, as I should

High up in the north woods
Coffee pot, tea kettle
I’m a machine for old ladies
Flip a switch
Be the sweetheart, not the bitch
Well, they don’t know me
But they love me
And that fills me up with bits of happy

High up in the north woods
Three whole days I had nothing to say
No words spilled onto blank pages
When I feel good I don’t know to explain it

Call this a return to form
I’ll gladly agree
Reconnecting with the past me
Writing her letters she’ll never read
Visiting her once sworn enemy
The state that burned me to a crisp
Is now kismet

Ink dries up when my misery stops…

“Caretaker”
I learned very quick
That this is what you do to trick
People into loving you
Be the caretaker, be the one they need
Then they’ll never let you leave
But it’s not true, I just got used
I’ve got a nasty looking ego bruise
I tried my best, I didn’t succeed
But I can confirm I was the one they needed

_________________________________

“Bad Luck”

The saint dies young and the sinner grows old
And I wanted to believe that misfortune befalls thieves
But I’m evidence that it’s not true
I’m setting down the heavy burden of a family curse
Bad luck being the confirmation of our worst
Always taking the pressure with a silent measure
Of needing the punishment

My family is from bad luck
It’s been passed down to us
From thirteen generations of awestruck
Farmers and merchants who broke the mirrors
Cursing their descendants to a hundred years
Of bad luck

I broke a mirror eight years ago
Now it’s been a good twelve months
So my good fortune must be
The family curse lifting

And are we the unlucky ones?
I’ve been told as such
Always the one who wins the short end of the stick
Always the one out of ten
Who suffers bravely in the end

“Sour”

They lead me head first into the bar
The night’s been marvelous so far
And I’m firing up the dark room in my mind
So that on dark days might find something sweet
And I immortalize all my feelings in a song
I’m always wondering when it’s gonna go wrong

Because, the recollection might sour
Truth trickling out by the hour
I thought people would stay
But then, they left me
So if my bar for love is still subpar
Will it tarnish this memory?
So if my bar for love is still subpar
Will it pollute this melody?

What if what I think is love now, isn’t?
What if they take the money, leave me on my own
Keep the change, send me back home
Happy melodies turning sour by the hour
Ruined by the people in them
I’ll blame it all on youthful indiscretion
Brain storming the rewriting before I even need to
One foot out the door before they do
Second guessing before it turns bad
So I come out looking better than I am

I’ve lost all sense of trust
Post it note in my pocket
Spiteful words that they’d chalk it
Up as playful banter
So I don’t trust my judgment
Now when I hear a break up song
I sing it about them
When I used to sing them love songs
And draw them hearts with my pen
But even then…
I had the sinking feeling
They weren’t gonna stay
So how do I know this time it won’t end up that way?

That I’m not wrong?
No, I’m not wrong

But if my bar for love is still subpar
Will it tarnish this memory?

“Exit Plan”

Beautiful winter sunday
Things fade into focus with every passing year
The day break gets so clear
When the sun rises

I love an exit plan
I need one as much as anyone can
I can’t commit to anything tangible
What if hindsight doesn’t treat me kindly?

I want to run a thousand miles east
And change my hair, my clothes, my name at least
Would I be better off in a different place?
But starting over means swapping adventure and loneliness
Can’t I start over with a lover?
Or a friend?
Or at least my cat?
I’m the wearer of many hats
And I cut my hair when it gets to long
And always repeat the same rhymes in my songs

Two years ago I’d have cried in the restaurant
Taken the playful taunts I paid for
As a personal attack
But now I’m on a different track
And words are no longer paper cuts
As dangerous as a cat’s claw

Beautiful winter sunday
Things fade into focus with every passing year
The night sky gets so clear
When the snow falls

_____________________________

“Tipsy on the Train”

I was tipsy on the train
And I was thinking
Is this what it’s like to be alive?
There’s a downtrodden guy
On the other side
Girls laughing in their finery
Heading off to somewhere sweet

I met a bride tonight
She got married where people get tried
Went from the courthouse to the bar
Said they were written in the stars
I told her “I hope you die in each other’s arms”
She said she hoped that I’d soon be charmed
By someone sweet

Now that I’ve held life to my breast
Breathed it, laughed it, drank it
I truly can attest
That I am right where I want to be

I have a sneaking suspicion
That this is a time of transition
But if that is so, at least I got to hold
A tangible memory of my own

I was tipsy on the train
And I was thinking…

“Winter”

I don’t like it if it’s like this
My roaring twenties hitting the wall
Just as the final autumn leaves fall
Somedays I just wanna stop the clock
Freeze this moment in time
Cause I don’t like seeing the thin lines of age
I don’t like seeing the soft decay
On the faces, and places, and people I know

The winter has settled down for now
Everything is getting colder
We’re all getting a bit older
Everything changes when it starts to frost
Winter is here to take back time lost
The seasons will come and go
But winter will always know
The end

I love the sunset, and the sunrise
Love the brilliant changes in the sky
I like that I see the seasons come and go
By the discount items in the windows
I love the crunch of leaves, I love the fall of snow
But I don’t want to see things evade my touch
I don’t want to talk about it, it hurts too much

I don’t like these signs of soft decay
It hurts my soul to see it this way
Well I don’t wanna be a child, but I don’t wanna grow
Wanna freeze inside this moment of glistening snow
Stay here till I’m comfortable
Let the winter take its toll
Till I’m ready to go

___________________________

“Paper Thin Skin”

I’m always on the outside looking in
But I’ve been doing it to myself
Feel the party, then retreat
Off to the bathroom where I hear the beat
Of the bass and the chatter
In the moment I feel overwhelmed
All this living, it’s so intense

I was born with paper thin skin
But it’s not the curse it has been
Highly sensitive, deeply inquisitive
I’ve been sipping life down smoothly
Always on the outside looking in
Observing the absurdity I’m in

I never got attention when I was a child
Now if someone calls me pretty I want to cry
And I, I used to get rejected ten times a night
But they paid me for it, so it was alright
And I, I don’t know if I’d believe
Someone who told me that I’m what they need
But I, I wanna try

“No Snow For Christmas”

I don’t think there’ll be snow for christmas
So that makes this pleasant weather bittersweet
And everybody’s talking about it
It didn’t use to be like this
No snow for christmas

I used to be paralyzed with fear
Every time we got to the end of the year
Cause every calendar page turned
Was always closer to the year the earth burned
But I’m not dreading the change now
Cause we’re in the thick of it, how
Strange it feels

Boomers had it handed to them
Now they’re rejoicing about the heat
As if it was something sweet
Well they’ll die peacefully in their
Retirement communities
Talking trash about the youth and how we
Don’t know how to keep our money
As if they didn’t rig the game against us

My generation won the short end of the stick
Grandparents who tarnished the system
We’re now left to fix it
But we don’t have the stamina
Hellbent on hysteria

________________________

“Raspberry Martini”

Should all acquaintance be forgot
And never brought to mind?
Should everything I held so tight
Fade away with time
At least I had it once before
And that is sweet to me
At least I had it once before
And that is sweet to me

I never thought I’d write songs about my partying
But being pulled into the music makes some memories
And they are sickly sweet like raspberry martinis
Well, even if my party scenes
Get ruined by some enemies
At least they once belonged to me
At least they once belonged to me

Should all acquaintance be forgot
And never brought to mind?
Should all the joy dissipate
And peace be hard to find
I’ll raise a glass to what was past
To who I used to know
How sad it is to see them go
But at least I have a memento

Should all acquaintance be forgot
And never brought to mind
Then I’ll raise a glass for what is past
I’ll raise a glass for what is past
For this lovely memento
For this lovely memento

“Golden”

I’m missing my train
My plans were thrown into the wind
A million movies that begin just like this
I’d like to go
But I think I’ll be staying here for awhile
By the water, with the geese, and the chalked up concrete
That’s holding back the freezing sea

I’ve got a golden filter over the past
After the fact adding my own bias
Everything covered in the golden light being cast
And if this shall be the last of my good days?
It was gorgeous
I don’t want to take it for granted

I’ve been digging up memories
Like going through a hoarder’s den
And in the sweetness, I’m born again
Not for the first time, not for the last
But in those good six months we’ve passed
I took the chance and for that I thank
Myself, my one true love

At just sixteen there was so much I believed
And I see her now with a rosy hue
Understand all her “I love you”s
Understand that she did what she had to do
Understand that she survived it all, too
To tell you the truth
She was smarter than me most of the time
But I have time to do more than survive
And just enjoy the moment passing by
I won’t take that for granted, no more
For her, and for me, that I’m sure

Winter

Written by Megan Virginie Stephenson